Heartache In The Wilderness

I havent written anything here for a while. The last post, Anger Hangovers, spoke about me and my past. I was in a place where I was taking all the blame for something and it wasnt fair to me to do that. You see, my wife has left me for another. She blamed me and said I did things that "left the door open" for it to happen. At first, I bought into that trying to find a way to fix the situation. Now, over three months later, I have let go and can allow those that are truly responsible to own what is theirs. I do not have to take on the things that do not belong to me any longer.

The tenicles of a broken family are far reaching, longer than I could have imagined. It is still sinking in that it has turned out that I have ended up being the parent that can offer the emotional support our kids need, with the exception of Cassie. John B. is a good guy and I thank God for him. As for our other two children, it is true that the bio parents have little or nothing to offer at this time. Sad but true.

I was lamenting to my spiritual adviser a few weeks ago that here I sit, alone in the The Verde Wilderness, dumped on my ass, good looking, in possesion of a nice home and many of the other "things" that people seek to have while a stranger has his way with my wife and I do the "work" to be a healthy man thru it all. Then, I realized as the wheels quickly started to fall off my wifes cart that I am in the right place. Yes, I may not be the one that is giving and receiving the orgasms with my wife any longer, but thats all that they have, a fleeting moment of physical enjoyment. To trade in everything worthwhile in life for something that has no value can only be done by someone that has lost their sanity, and clearly my ex wife has lost her sanity. I suppose it is fair to say that most of us have done this sort of thing, but its alot easier to look at when its someone else and we are far removed from it.

For a while, I couldnt see the The Verde Wilderness. I would drive down the highway unaware if my surroundings and unable to travel thru the desert in my mind as I usually do. Then, one day seven or eight weeks ago I started to be ok again. This is a testimony to the power of God. In my terrible pain, I sought Him out as my only solution. This is something that I have only ever given lip service to. Seeking Him was only ok for me when times were good, and upon taking my inventory, I never really did that either. I was unable to allow myself to ask Him to save me from the hell of this world when I was in the middle of it. I pray that I do not lose touch with what I have learned in the experience, and I have stopped wondering if this has happened as a way of teaching me something I could not have learned any other way. Clearly it is. Please Father, take care of us all.

Kevin

Anger Hangovers

All of my life I have been driven on by anger. It is what has fueld me, given me the energy to keep on keeping on thru lifes challenges. This is not a good thing, but I cannot change that past.

When my Mother died, a maturation process that was already well underway was excellerated within me. Slowly thru the years of work and introspection, I have become less dependant on anger to fuel me, and more more accepting of how I am really feeling to direct my emotions. Being the type of person that indulged in anger to avoid everything I felt in life, be it saddnes or dissapointment etc, the people around me were of course subject to my shortcomings and wrongdoings behind this way of living. It isnt easy leting go of the old way of dealing with things in life. At times, when that heat rises up inside, its like I will come undone unless I sucomb to its power. All the forces of ego and misunderstanding are sometimes to overwhelming to thwart, I fail to ask God for help, and the anger blasts out, then its too late, people are hurt again.

This is a description of years gone by. I have by no means become pure as the drivien snow, but it is undeniable that I have experienced a huge shift and have demonstrated it with far more than mere words, more importantly, its been tangible in my life, visible to the naked eye.

The Verde Wilderness has played a huge part in this recovery. I am grateful to God for having delivered me here to this place, yet this isnt enuf to make the demonstration. One cannot sit on the mountain alone to show that there has been a change, it is only revealed when the demonstration has been witnessed by those around. I believe that The Verde Wilderness has simply provided a missing component, nothing more. It isnt a magic bullet, but it is a unique balancing influence that I have never had to draw upon anywhere else.

All of these words have led up to saying why I am really writing this. Someone very dear to me has recently told me of a hangover they have. The terrible things that I have said and done in the past have resurfaced in in their heart. I have been naive and foolish to have believed that because things have changed over the years, people were healed. Looking back after talking with them, I can clearly see that I took the cowradly road and never addressed specific incidents of my wrongs. I failed to repair the damage for individual attacks, relying rather on the thought that because they were behind me, that was ammends enuf. This may have been sufficient for me, but is hasnt worked for those that I have harmed in the past, and now its here in front of me. I have no defense. I regret it and am ashamed that I was so foolish. I end this writing by saying that right now, I just dont have any solutions, I do not know what to do to make it ok again. It may not even be my job to do anything, only time will tell.

Kevin

A Creeky Walk

My day has already taken a direction that I didnt plan on, so I decide to gear up and ride to the creek near the end of the road. I come down the hill and I am riding a few hundred yards upstream to "hide" my equipment, tho I suspect it will be just fine.

I am feeling a little guilty as I have promised myself that I wont explore anything new without first making sure that my wife dosent want to go. After the better part of our marrige spent ill, it is the joy of my life that I can now include her in where I go since her healing. We have plans to explore something tomorrow, so I want to at least scout out the first part of this creek to ensure that its makable.

I am reflecting now about the way it makes me feel to live within minutes of this very place. It is such a wonderous place, filled with so much that a ten square foot section sets the imagination ablazeThe creek is running nicely, and I come upon a fork. The little voice tells me to take the right, so I do. Up a short distance, I spy the water coming out of the side of the creek wall, and beyond that its dry!

I am still walking, at least a mile or moere already, in this now dry creek, and I am betting myself that it will start running again soon ahead of me. I am deciding that I have seen enuf, that to see whatever else is ahead I would rather do another time with my wife in my company.

I must say, there isnt anything extraordinary about my walk in this extraordinary place. A strange experience to be taking for granted that I can do this almost any afternoon I am home. I sit down, as I often do in these places, and listen to nothing at all. Happy that I enjoy my own company.

Kevin

New Jersey

Seems like much longer than nineteen days have gone by since I last visited here. So much can happen in just a day, that it's like a lifetime ago that I wrote anything down.

Two days ago:

I am sitting in some strip mall, a greasy spoon in New Jersey with the word "Burger" in the name. I have an appointment soon down the street with a big company. To sell our services, thats why I am here. Hoping for something good to eat, something made with some thought, I have picked out this place. I ordered a breakfast, the usual, eggs / bacon / hashbrowns and toast. The womaen are right out of a movie. Rather large if you know what I mean. Friendly enuf, one asks me about the TV show American Idol. I dont know much about it. The topics are this show and another, Dancing With The Stars. Ive never seen it. I have nothing to add to the conversatiion, and I trust they would feel just as left out of the conversation that I would rather be having with them.

Waiting for my food, I drift off into The Verde Wilderness. My thoughts are never too far from there. How can I relate what its like to disconnect from the world and be there? I cannot.

My food is ready, its horrible. Hard to imagine that breakfast could be so badly ruined! I'm saddened by the entire presentation. Everything thrown on the plate in its own compartmentalized container. Salt and pepper packets, plastic fork and knife, two conatiners of cheap grape jelly. I pick at what is edible and throw the rest away.

I am walking back to the rental car and drift back into the wilderness. Thinking now about life, the people I love and our mortality. So many moments of my life are washed thru the experience I had a short time ago. My Mother. Her last breath taken in my arms. Alone, just the two of us. An amazing gift, tho just short of perfect. Lacking only the ability to talk to her about this one last moment, I live wondering what we would say about it.

Back into the world now. I arrive at my meeting. Several people have blown it off, disrespectful that I have traveled across the country for a one hour engagement. It is another of what I call an unecessary, necessary meeting. I tell the truth and leave. Back to the airport, awaiting the plane that will take me back to Salt Mine Road, back to The Verde Wilderness.

I dont like the East Coast, at least not the small portion of what I have seen. The buildings are old, the streets are crowded. A different kind of old when compared to The Wilderness where we live. I am wondering why I like one kind of old and not another.

I am back now, for two days, leaving again tomorrow. This time to California. I am not looking forward to it. So instead of looking forward, I am looking out the window as I write. Cardinals! Everywhere I seem to look. Have you ever seen a Cardinal in "real" life? Different from a typical bird, like an Eagle is different from a Sparrow. So amazing these creatures. A unique vibration. Cant explain it anymore than that.

The Verde Wilderness is in transition, tho when is it not! Some trees and other vegatation already fully green, some in mid change yet the Mesquite trees still completely barren. A neighbor told me a week ago, "The Mesquuites know when its spring" He must be right! I look forward to this now, in lieu of looking forward to the next trip.

Kevin

Internet "Friends"

I have spent alot of time on one of those internet "forums" and I must confess, its been mostly to argue. I have, and continue to examine myself as to why I do it. It's clearly inviting stress into my life.

Its so easy to say that I am "spiritual" and "enlightened" but then why this indulgance in such negativity? I originally arrived to that "place" to talk about my love of the desert and hear about the experiences of others.

I have made there people I consider to be friends. A strange occurance in this modern age of communication, this age of the internet!

One of my friends is on a journey. We were lucky enuf to spend some time together today. I am feeling happy that I was able to "turn him on" to The Verde Wilderness! The surrounding areas of the state in which I live, Arizona, are indeed quite beautiful. Yet, there is something unique about this place I call The Verde Wilderness. In an instant, I sensed that this newfound friend understood completely.

I took a ride on my dirt bike after our visit.

I am riding, but today I am going slow. I am not feeling "up" to the task of going fast this day. My motorcycle is a tool of a different kind this time. I am using my considerable skill to navigate this piece of earth I am on right now that is chuckling at me for even daring to try to succesfully traverse it! I am in what is called The North Hole on the Forest Service maps of the mountain in the picture above. The afternoon lighting demands that I stop and look. I park my bike against a tree and am sitting in its shade, looking strait up at the majestic rock cliffs covered in green moss.

I am drifting into an imaginary conversation, talking to those on that blasted forum that demonize me for the simple act of riding my dirt bike here. I am doing nothing "wrong" in fact, I am not even breaking any of mans laws! I am telling them that what I am doing and who I am is good, but it is no use, they do not understand, so I concede defeat! I will not go back and argue anymore.

We are all travellers here. Its time to embrace the idea that its ok to be different. I am a "native" of the land, as much as any person that was present here long ago. My vehicle is just a newer version of what was used in the past, nothing more. One can only get to where I am sitting right now with a sufficient amount of interest. Without that key ingredient, a helicopter is useless! I am, right here in this wilderness, OK!

The moment has passed, and I feel its time to decend, down, down, down the countless rocks, STRAIT DOWN! Manipulating the brakes on the machine to perfection. Sliding along, waltzing with the earth. I am turning right and spying on a herd of cattle near a tank. I quiet my motor and glide past, only two run away, the rest sit and look at me like everything is ok.

I have arrived home, and enjoy a hamburger with my family, feeling the gratitude pulsing thru my body for The Verde Wilderness. I am enjoying my love affair with my home.

No posting on the forum tonite. Its a good night.

Kevin

I just stepped outside for the breifest of moments and had a powerful experience. I stood and stared at the mountain in front of the house, and for a second, I left this place. In an instant I was taken somewhere far away. I believe the moment could have continued much longer but I broke it off and went back inside. It was so unfamiliar to me that it was uncomfortable and wonderful all at the same time. I pray that I move into the center of these two places and exist there if I am supposed to.

Kevin

A Moment With My Wife

2/1/2007

I am in my "office" looking at this very same computer monitor when She says, "Honey, you have to see this"!

I walk out to the living room where She is sitting in the rocking chair, gazing out the window. I know it will be awesome whatever it is, suspecting some sort of creature.

Lo and behold the sky! An amazing site! "I can't believe we get to live here" She says. I snap a photo, knowing that this moment will pass quickly. Usually, I allow them to pass along as so many countless others, but now, I am compelled by something I do not understand as of yet to photograph these events and put them to words here.

We really are lucky. She is right again :-)

Kevin

Boredom in the Wilderness

I had no way of knowing the impacts of the decision to move here. Thats a fairly obvious staement if there ever was one, but I'll do the best I can to explain.

Some experiences here.

I am sitting way up on the mountain above my house. I feel nervous. My bike is leaning against a rock at the opening of a mine shaft. The wind begins to blow and I am puzzled. There isnt a freeway nearby! Suddenly I realize its the sound of wind thru the trees. It sounds like a freeway back in California! Or, better yet, those damned freeways sound like wind blowing thru the trees!

I am walking in the heat next to the Verde River. New to the area, I feel apprehensive, wondering if some "authority" is going to pop out of a bush and tell me I'm doing something wrong tho all I am doing is walking harmlessly along. There is creekin and crackin sounds all around me. Lizards and other creatures rustling in the bushes. I take a deep breath and try not to be scared. Although I am alone and am the only person for miles around, I cant shake the feeling someone is nearby.

Some months, two seasons and a third almost done have come and gone since then. I travel thru the wilderness unafraid and familiar with the surroundings that once made me so uptight. Now, I find myself eager to get out of the big city whenever I must visit there, which is far too often still! Now, I deal with the newest feelings of being here in this vast and open place. The place I call The Verde Wilderness.

Alone in the house I sit and write this. My wife having "gone to town"! Something we say with newfound country pride! I find myself part of those that "work from home". Many people afforded this nowadays because of the very thing that makes this blog possible, the internet!

I cannot recall such boredom. Ever. This job, tho it pays the bills etc. I must find something new. I am glancing out my window to the left and watching the light rain fall. Like the time I was unfamiliar with the sound of the wind thru the tress, I am unfamiliar with this pace of life. Thats all I want really, to be just past that window, not stuck here behind it.

Desire to have something will not always prepare someone for actually getting it. Wanting to live here wasnt enuf to understand what I would be going thru. A process. Assimilating and acclimating to this enviroment. You see, in the city, people are all around, yet they are in that "City Rush" and many never take the time to speak. Everyone passing by, stangers to one another. Here, a passer by, strangers, are welcomed in! But, they are rare, hence the uniqueness if them. So, now my thoughts are taking my writing off track.

The pain I feel right now isnt from this pace, this place or this way of life. I believe its from being so close! Close to The Verde Wilderness. Lotto dreams. Many people have them. I have daydreamed about it! My dream, to be free to visit The Verde Wilderness everyday. Take people with me. My wife most of all. Sit and wait................for nothing. Yet again, wiat for life to happen. An animal that Ive never seen or the light on The Towel Peaks to reflect just so.

My cat, Loid, he feels this way too. I know. I watch him walking thru the house, sometimes looking like he will come apart at any moment! Looking bored. He dissapears for a few days at a time now and then. Out all nite in sub twenty degree weather. How does he do it? I have this hunch about him. He is sometimes depressed because he has found something so incredible but cannot express it and has no one to share it with. He has been delivered to The Verde Wilderness. Something he never bargained for. I sense the Quail he sits and watches outside do not relate to him! Much like the people I left behind in that big city. My family and freinds.

So, I do not lament this "boredom". I sit and allow it to wash thru me. It is temporary. The Verde Wilderness however is timeless

Kevin

Trial and Error

Hello!

Kevin Jones here. New to the blogoshpere. Don't know how diligent I'll be with this, but you never know until you try!

I have many great stories that travel thru my mind. Never have been any good at putting them on paper. Like yesterday.

I was on my dirt bike on the mountain above my house. Around 6,000 feet in elevation at the time. Another 1,000 or so to the summit. On a trail that begs one to wonder how it was made and by whom. Impossibly steep for what seemed like too long. First a deep, loose sand, then forbidding and inhospitable rocks. Rocks, rocks and more rocks. Miserable rocks!

Onward I climbed. Until I was in the "bowl" that I have dreamed of visiting from lower ground. Up on the north face, in the snow. Wondering what it must be like up there at night. Night after night. In the quiet. What creatures dwell up here? Have Indians ever lived here or stayed here while passing thru on a journey or a hunt of some kind. Wishing I had my wife with me to share the place. Knowing that she could not make the trek, at least not this day. Over the rocks. Rocks, rocks and more rocks!

Grateful for the high level of riding skill I posses. Able to see a place that few humans have or ever will see. I spied a perfect Christmas tree! Never will it be taken!

Turning around on the instruction from the little voice. A wise voice. Happy that it wasn't the nervous, anxious voice that I have been beholdant too for too long in my life. A personal conquest times two! The successful climb into a quiet place and the wise voice louder now than the nervous presence has always been.

Home for dinner. Celebrate a Birth. A boy, 16 years young. Friends over for a hamburger cooked too long and burnt. Remembering the moment spent up on the mountain. Stopping for a while to listen to the nothing. Taking a deep breath of the air to imprint the time into my mind. Not taking it for granted that I will ever return and validating the unique moment in time.

Kevin