Heartache In The Wilderness

I havent written anything here for a while. The last post, Anger Hangovers, spoke about me and my past. I was in a place where I was taking all the blame for something and it wasnt fair to me to do that. You see, my wife has left me for another. She blamed me and said I did things that "left the door open" for it to happen. At first, I bought into that trying to find a way to fix the situation. Now, over three months later, I have let go and can allow those that are truly responsible to own what is theirs. I do not have to take on the things that do not belong to me any longer.

The tenicles of a broken family are far reaching, longer than I could have imagined. It is still sinking in that it has turned out that I have ended up being the parent that can offer the emotional support our kids need, with the exception of Cassie. John B. is a good guy and I thank God for him. As for our other two children, it is true that the bio parents have little or nothing to offer at this time. Sad but true.

I was lamenting to my spiritual adviser a few weeks ago that here I sit, alone in the The Verde Wilderness, dumped on my ass, good looking, in possesion of a nice home and many of the other "things" that people seek to have while a stranger has his way with my wife and I do the "work" to be a healthy man thru it all. Then, I realized as the wheels quickly started to fall off my wifes cart that I am in the right place. Yes, I may not be the one that is giving and receiving the orgasms with my wife any longer, but thats all that they have, a fleeting moment of physical enjoyment. To trade in everything worthwhile in life for something that has no value can only be done by someone that has lost their sanity, and clearly my ex wife has lost her sanity. I suppose it is fair to say that most of us have done this sort of thing, but its alot easier to look at when its someone else and we are far removed from it.

For a while, I couldnt see the The Verde Wilderness. I would drive down the highway unaware if my surroundings and unable to travel thru the desert in my mind as I usually do. Then, one day seven or eight weeks ago I started to be ok again. This is a testimony to the power of God. In my terrible pain, I sought Him out as my only solution. This is something that I have only ever given lip service to. Seeking Him was only ok for me when times were good, and upon taking my inventory, I never really did that either. I was unable to allow myself to ask Him to save me from the hell of this world when I was in the middle of it. I pray that I do not lose touch with what I have learned in the experience, and I have stopped wondering if this has happened as a way of teaching me something I could not have learned any other way. Clearly it is. Please Father, take care of us all.

Kevin