I turned on the TV during lunch today, something I rarely ever do and without changing the channel, it was playing an old Bonanza show from the 60's.
I only caught the last 10 minutes but the story was about two feuding families that wanted custody of two small twin children, one a boy and the other a girl. In the show they were at church and the preacher read from the Sermon On The Mount and recited the Beatitudes. Then Ben Cartwright read from Second Samuel and the story of cutting the living child in to two pieces.
Its easy to predict where the story went from there. The children were each awarded to the families and were split up. After a few moments, the woman that had no children, who had in fact lost a daughter saw that she could not split the two kids up and sent the girl across the aisle to the other family and her brother. The second woman was at first overjoyed and then she looked at the grieving woman who had so selflessly given up the child and realized she could not keep them both. You see she already had children of her own and was struck by her spiritual conscious.
It was beautiful and made me cry.
What a great program. Bonanza rocks!
Peace,
Kevin
Thursday, May 22, 2008
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
A Static World
Recently I have noticed many people lamenting change. I frequent a forum where people argue about environmental issues and there are those there that are upset about things like the decline of a particular species of animal or plant. Then there are those that are upset that the United States appears to be waning in its power and position in the world's societies. I just watched a few minutes of TV whilst I had some spaghetti and there was a story about how the Pope has a lot of work to do to repair the Catholic Church, and if he doesn't, it will likely not survive.
In all of this I am coming to realize that these are all just opportunities to know God and have a relationship with Him. We see everything through the prism of a static attitude. While we readily accept that ice ages and hot periods have come and gone many many times on this planet, we are all up in arms about the gloom and doom we think we see coming now. We also see that there have been thousands of species of plants and animals that are no longer on this earth yet now, all of a sudden, if one appears to be making its final gasps for existence, we scurry about trying feverishly to figure out a way in which we can stem the inevitable tide of extinction that faces everything.
We simply do not have that kind of power, and its time we understand that our job is to be a faithful and reasonable steward of what God has given us to use, yet not worry about it to the point where we attempt to take over His job for Him!
The sun sets on everything. All things have a life span except the One who made it all, and that One is Our Heavenly Father. May you be so fortunate to know Him and realize that amongst everything that has ever been or ever will be, you and I, His children, are the most precious creations He has ever made.
Peace,
Kevin
In all of this I am coming to realize that these are all just opportunities to know God and have a relationship with Him. We see everything through the prism of a static attitude. While we readily accept that ice ages and hot periods have come and gone many many times on this planet, we are all up in arms about the gloom and doom we think we see coming now. We also see that there have been thousands of species of plants and animals that are no longer on this earth yet now, all of a sudden, if one appears to be making its final gasps for existence, we scurry about trying feverishly to figure out a way in which we can stem the inevitable tide of extinction that faces everything.
We simply do not have that kind of power, and its time we understand that our job is to be a faithful and reasonable steward of what God has given us to use, yet not worry about it to the point where we attempt to take over His job for Him!
The sun sets on everything. All things have a life span except the One who made it all, and that One is Our Heavenly Father. May you be so fortunate to know Him and realize that amongst everything that has ever been or ever will be, you and I, His children, are the most precious creations He has ever made.
Peace,
Kevin
Sunday, March 23, 2008
Mirrors
A dear friend of mine came to visit me the last few days. We share a common experience in life when it comes to the demise of our marriages. Tho there are of course a few differences of circumstance, the basic dynamics are the same as I am sure are the feelings we both have had about it.
The way in which we have dealt with it are polar opposite however and his coming here has been a tremendous gift to me. I have retreated to God and asked Him for His healing, comfort and guidance. My friend has become embittered and regressive. He is waiting around for a change in the winds of circumstance to make him happy again, and has been such an amazing example of the fact that if the right thought does not accompany the wish for better things, they aren't likely to arrive. In fact, carrying the attitudes he is at the moment, he is clearly receiving the exact things he does not want in life.
He is a beautiful mirror for me to look at myself. I can clearly see that this is how I have lived my entire life. Negative and fearful that I wont be happy and have what I think I want. Grateful beyond measure that today I can look at this without harsh condemnation of my fried, but rather an opportunity to receive wisdom and pray that God reveal the knowledge of His will for him and give him the power to carry it out, the same thing I pray for myself, and you too who may be reading this!
Its Sunday morning, Easter actually, tho that is irrelevant to me personally at this stage of my life. I say irrelevant because I am not in a place where I am watching the calendar right now. Even as I type this I am being inspired. God will constantly disclose more to us if we see to it that our relationship with Him is right, and perhaps this Easter Sunday really is a significant day for me. I believe that Jesus did raise from the dead. I believe that He did it to show us that every day in this walk of life that we have the opportunity to do the same thing, tho it is spiritually speaking and not in the sense that our human bodies are resurrected. I awoke this morning quite early as usual, without a plan for the day. Having been awake for three hours now, I have already accomplished much, the first hour having been spent in quiet with Our Creator and then following along the path of inspiration which led me here to write these words.
I am inspired and energized. My mind is clean and clear of wrong motives this day, not at all by coincidence. Eleven months have passed where there has not been a single day that I have failed to start out by asking God to divorce my thinking from self pity and dishonest or self seeking motives. As I gradually began to notice that this was actually happening, I was surprised. Now that surprise has more and more been replaced with gratitude and faith to Him for delivering on the promise He has made to every one of that if we ask, we shall receive. Today, my spirit has been raised from the dead and this is not at all an over statement. Thank you Jesus for showing me the way!
One last important componenet of the mirror experience with my friend is that I am noticing that its a pitfall to dwell on it. It seems to be coming clearer to me to receive the lesson, or gift if you will, and move on mentally. At this moment, I am seeing that the only thing that I am to dwell on in my mind is a connection with Him who has all power. This seems to be the propoer use of my mind, or my will. I like it!
Till next time.
Peace,
Kevin
The way in which we have dealt with it are polar opposite however and his coming here has been a tremendous gift to me. I have retreated to God and asked Him for His healing, comfort and guidance. My friend has become embittered and regressive. He is waiting around for a change in the winds of circumstance to make him happy again, and has been such an amazing example of the fact that if the right thought does not accompany the wish for better things, they aren't likely to arrive. In fact, carrying the attitudes he is at the moment, he is clearly receiving the exact things he does not want in life.
He is a beautiful mirror for me to look at myself. I can clearly see that this is how I have lived my entire life. Negative and fearful that I wont be happy and have what I think I want. Grateful beyond measure that today I can look at this without harsh condemnation of my fried, but rather an opportunity to receive wisdom and pray that God reveal the knowledge of His will for him and give him the power to carry it out, the same thing I pray for myself, and you too who may be reading this!
Its Sunday morning, Easter actually, tho that is irrelevant to me personally at this stage of my life. I say irrelevant because I am not in a place where I am watching the calendar right now. Even as I type this I am being inspired. God will constantly disclose more to us if we see to it that our relationship with Him is right, and perhaps this Easter Sunday really is a significant day for me. I believe that Jesus did raise from the dead. I believe that He did it to show us that every day in this walk of life that we have the opportunity to do the same thing, tho it is spiritually speaking and not in the sense that our human bodies are resurrected. I awoke this morning quite early as usual, without a plan for the day. Having been awake for three hours now, I have already accomplished much, the first hour having been spent in quiet with Our Creator and then following along the path of inspiration which led me here to write these words.
I am inspired and energized. My mind is clean and clear of wrong motives this day, not at all by coincidence. Eleven months have passed where there has not been a single day that I have failed to start out by asking God to divorce my thinking from self pity and dishonest or self seeking motives. As I gradually began to notice that this was actually happening, I was surprised. Now that surprise has more and more been replaced with gratitude and faith to Him for delivering on the promise He has made to every one of that if we ask, we shall receive. Today, my spirit has been raised from the dead and this is not at all an over statement. Thank you Jesus for showing me the way!
One last important componenet of the mirror experience with my friend is that I am noticing that its a pitfall to dwell on it. It seems to be coming clearer to me to receive the lesson, or gift if you will, and move on mentally. At this moment, I am seeing that the only thing that I am to dwell on in my mind is a connection with Him who has all power. This seems to be the propoer use of my mind, or my will. I like it!
Till next time.
Peace,
Kevin
Sunday, March 9, 2008
Seriously, I'm Not
At this moment I am not worried about what happens after this life, if there is a heaven and a hell, where "I" would end up. Many would say this thinking is the folly of a foolish man, a man destined for eternal heartache and suffering. I wont argue with them. Just as I believe this is true for me, that is what is true for them and its ok today.
In the Sermon On The Mount, Jesus teaches that not only is it of course wrong to kill, but to even think of killing, nay to even be angry with another is sufficient to keep oneself out of the The Kingdom Of Heaven.
I have spent much time in meditation contemplating this and what The Father has impressed upon me is what leads me to make the statement "I'm not worried about what happens after this life".
We are His children, offspring of The Creator. As I have read, a cow cannot give birth to a lamb, an eagle to a dog etc, therefore, we are logically created in His image. While perhaps it is true that the bodies we occupy during this experience are different, our Internal Spirit is not. This Spirit is of God and has existed since the Beginning right along with Him. In fact, it is Him and it belongs to Him. So, if we are created in His Image, then when these vehicles we are traveling in at the moment fail, "we" will continue on somewhere. It simply cannot be any other scenario. Just as the materials that make up the chair I am sitting on, or the desk that I am sitting at have existed as some sort of material since The Beginning and will only change form and exist forever, so too will we. We are infinitely more important than this desk or even the most beautiful creation in all the universe as the Children of The One who has all power.
So, in getting back to the point, I have observed my life in a stunning way the last 11 months. When my ex wife declared that to leave our marriage and take up with another would be an insane lapse of judgment, and that she would lose all of her credibility and did it anyway, I embarked on the most significant journey of my life experience so far. I remember vividly feeling like a caged animal that was wholly aware that there was an impending storm that would hold me in captivity for a period of time that I knew not how long would or could last. There was nothing to do but to simply sit right out in the open and allow this great storm to have its way with me. It wasn't a noble decision on my part, I was simply powerless and had no choice. The matter was settled for me by others, namely her and the man she made the decision to be with.
Human nature being what it is in this "fallen world", I wanted to hurt them both in any way I could. The miracle of it was that just as I knew I had to experience this storm no matter what, I somehow understood that there was something in this that could make it different than any other experience I had ever had, and that difference is humility. God is so loving and forgiving, He cared not that I had arrived back on His doorstep a broken man and without any other options. Even knowing that if I had any inkling that I could employ another solution that I would likely have tried it before asking Him for help that I would have, He still welcomed me home. Taking my darkest hours, He showed me that even thinking of hurting them was only hurting myself, more importantly, it would keep me from The Kingdom Of Heaven. You see, we can be there in that Kingdom right now in this very moment. It is where I spend my time now. There are many rooms in The Mansion and they contain everything we need to be happy.
This Path is not the easiest one to walk, but thats only in the beginning. My experience is that as the days go by, as long as I start it by asking Him in to my life and stay aware of the relationship I have with Him in every single one of my daily affairs, its easier and easier. The reward is in the consistency. Just as bigger muscles are the result of a dedicated work out program, so to are bigger spiritual muscles the result of constant prayer and mediation.
I'm still me. Thoughts of hurting people, exacting my revenge, still come in to my consciousness, but they are simply opportunities. Opportunities to, as Jesus taught, "turn the other cheek". What I do with with my mind is my choice. When I choose to ask God for an intuitive thought or inspiration, He gives it to me. I do not have to wonder if He will grant this or not, He always will, tho sometimes quickly, sometime slowly. He will always lift me up if I do my part.
If its ever appropriate, I may find myself thanking the two individuals that provided me the opportunity to be a part of this particular act in the play of life. I hope that my contributions that played an equal part in leading us all here, even if it be looked upon as negative, provide them with the same golden opportunity to draw nearer to Him as it did me.
Its Sunday morning, March 9th 2008 at 7:17 AM as I type this. A date in what we understand as time. Its just an illusion. Its not real. The Father is Eternal and so is The Spirit the dwells within all of us.
Peace,
Kevin
In the Sermon On The Mount, Jesus teaches that not only is it of course wrong to kill, but to even think of killing, nay to even be angry with another is sufficient to keep oneself out of the The Kingdom Of Heaven.
I have spent much time in meditation contemplating this and what The Father has impressed upon me is what leads me to make the statement "I'm not worried about what happens after this life".
We are His children, offspring of The Creator. As I have read, a cow cannot give birth to a lamb, an eagle to a dog etc, therefore, we are logically created in His image. While perhaps it is true that the bodies we occupy during this experience are different, our Internal Spirit is not. This Spirit is of God and has existed since the Beginning right along with Him. In fact, it is Him and it belongs to Him. So, if we are created in His Image, then when these vehicles we are traveling in at the moment fail, "we" will continue on somewhere. It simply cannot be any other scenario. Just as the materials that make up the chair I am sitting on, or the desk that I am sitting at have existed as some sort of material since The Beginning and will only change form and exist forever, so too will we. We are infinitely more important than this desk or even the most beautiful creation in all the universe as the Children of The One who has all power.
So, in getting back to the point, I have observed my life in a stunning way the last 11 months. When my ex wife declared that to leave our marriage and take up with another would be an insane lapse of judgment, and that she would lose all of her credibility and did it anyway, I embarked on the most significant journey of my life experience so far. I remember vividly feeling like a caged animal that was wholly aware that there was an impending storm that would hold me in captivity for a period of time that I knew not how long would or could last. There was nothing to do but to simply sit right out in the open and allow this great storm to have its way with me. It wasn't a noble decision on my part, I was simply powerless and had no choice. The matter was settled for me by others, namely her and the man she made the decision to be with.
Human nature being what it is in this "fallen world", I wanted to hurt them both in any way I could. The miracle of it was that just as I knew I had to experience this storm no matter what, I somehow understood that there was something in this that could make it different than any other experience I had ever had, and that difference is humility. God is so loving and forgiving, He cared not that I had arrived back on His doorstep a broken man and without any other options. Even knowing that if I had any inkling that I could employ another solution that I would likely have tried it before asking Him for help that I would have, He still welcomed me home. Taking my darkest hours, He showed me that even thinking of hurting them was only hurting myself, more importantly, it would keep me from The Kingdom Of Heaven. You see, we can be there in that Kingdom right now in this very moment. It is where I spend my time now. There are many rooms in The Mansion and they contain everything we need to be happy.
This Path is not the easiest one to walk, but thats only in the beginning. My experience is that as the days go by, as long as I start it by asking Him in to my life and stay aware of the relationship I have with Him in every single one of my daily affairs, its easier and easier. The reward is in the consistency. Just as bigger muscles are the result of a dedicated work out program, so to are bigger spiritual muscles the result of constant prayer and mediation.
I'm still me. Thoughts of hurting people, exacting my revenge, still come in to my consciousness, but they are simply opportunities. Opportunities to, as Jesus taught, "turn the other cheek". What I do with with my mind is my choice. When I choose to ask God for an intuitive thought or inspiration, He gives it to me. I do not have to wonder if He will grant this or not, He always will, tho sometimes quickly, sometime slowly. He will always lift me up if I do my part.
If its ever appropriate, I may find myself thanking the two individuals that provided me the opportunity to be a part of this particular act in the play of life. I hope that my contributions that played an equal part in leading us all here, even if it be looked upon as negative, provide them with the same golden opportunity to draw nearer to Him as it did me.
Its Sunday morning, March 9th 2008 at 7:17 AM as I type this. A date in what we understand as time. Its just an illusion. Its not real. The Father is Eternal and so is The Spirit the dwells within all of us.
Peace,
Kevin
Monday, February 4, 2008
Spaceships
It is time that I begin to write the things in my head down to the best of my ability and stop worrying about how it comes out or how it reads. These writings should be about passion and experience and not what people think. Writing is one of my gifts and I am inspired by my daughter to express it here.
So, the last few days I have been using my spaceships quite a lot. You see, we do not have to wait or wonder what it will be like to experience a spaceship, as the vast majority of us already utilize them on a daily basis.
I currently have four of them, one with four wheels and the other three have two each. We take for granted that we have these vehicles that propel us across the ground at incredible speeds along specially designed systems made especially for them, all while we control the climate inside, protected by the harshest of elements outside.
What used to take days, weeks, months and even years is now cut down to a mere fraction of the time, not to mention that a simple trip we do without a thought routinely killed many who attempted them in years gone by.
Oh, and i forgot to mention that we have entertainment systems inside that send out music or information on what is going on clear on the other side of the earth at the very moment that its happening.
I am grateful beyond whatever words I can write here for living the life I am. My desire to enjoy The Verde Wilderness is so greatly enhanced by the use of these marvelous machines. I am so fortunate to be situated in my living quarters right in the middle of this vast wilderness that I can make quick forays out into the open spaces and still be home in time for a nice hot shower and sleep in my own bed.
The last few days have been exceptionally beautiful. The winter of 2008 will not soon be forgotten as the weather continues to provide opportunities to see thongs that do not happen with any regularity. To look at a dry river bed for years and see only choking dust and water only in your imagination come to life for a brief few weeks is truly a marvel of the season. In an hours time I can span the central region of the north end of the beautiful Sonoran Desert above Phoenix Arizona and watch them run with the life giving waters of these winter storms. If you haven't seen this, I highly recommend you take the time to do so if you possibly can.
Kevin
So, the last few days I have been using my spaceships quite a lot. You see, we do not have to wait or wonder what it will be like to experience a spaceship, as the vast majority of us already utilize them on a daily basis.
I currently have four of them, one with four wheels and the other three have two each. We take for granted that we have these vehicles that propel us across the ground at incredible speeds along specially designed systems made especially for them, all while we control the climate inside, protected by the harshest of elements outside.
What used to take days, weeks, months and even years is now cut down to a mere fraction of the time, not to mention that a simple trip we do without a thought routinely killed many who attempted them in years gone by.
Oh, and i forgot to mention that we have entertainment systems inside that send out music or information on what is going on clear on the other side of the earth at the very moment that its happening.
I am grateful beyond whatever words I can write here for living the life I am. My desire to enjoy The Verde Wilderness is so greatly enhanced by the use of these marvelous machines. I am so fortunate to be situated in my living quarters right in the middle of this vast wilderness that I can make quick forays out into the open spaces and still be home in time for a nice hot shower and sleep in my own bed.
The last few days have been exceptionally beautiful. The winter of 2008 will not soon be forgotten as the weather continues to provide opportunities to see thongs that do not happen with any regularity. To look at a dry river bed for years and see only choking dust and water only in your imagination come to life for a brief few weeks is truly a marvel of the season. In an hours time I can span the central region of the north end of the beautiful Sonoran Desert above Phoenix Arizona and watch them run with the life giving waters of these winter storms. If you haven't seen this, I highly recommend you take the time to do so if you possibly can.
Kevin
Friday, June 15, 2007
Heartache In The Wilderness
I havent written anything here for a while. The last post, Anger Hangovers, spoke about me and my past. I was in a place where I was taking all the blame for something and it wasnt fair to me to do that. You see, my wife has left me for another. She blamed me and said I did things that "left the door open" for it to happen. At first, I bought into that trying to find a way to fix the situation. Now, over three months later, I have let go and can allow those that are truly responsible to own what is theirs. I do not have to take on the things that do not belong to me any longer.
The tenicles of a broken family are far reaching, longer than I could have imagined. It is still sinking in that it has turned out that I have ended up being the parent that can offer the emotional support our kids need, with the exception of Cassie. John B. is a good guy and I thank God for him. As for our other two children, it is true that the bio parents have little or nothing to offer at this time. Sad but true.
I was lamenting to my spiritual adviser a few weeks ago that here I sit, alone in the The Verde Wilderness, dumped on my ass, good looking, in possesion of a nice home and many of the other "things" that people seek to have while a stranger has his way with my wife and I do the "work" to be a healthy man thru it all. Then, I realized as the wheels quickly started to fall off my wifes cart that I am in the right place. Yes, I may not be the one that is giving and receiving the orgasms with my wife any longer, but thats all that they have, a fleeting moment of physical enjoyment. To trade in everything worthwhile in life for something that has no value can only be done by someone that has lost their sanity, and clearly my ex wife has lost her sanity. I suppose it is fair to say that most of us have done this sort of thing, but its alot easier to look at when its someone else and we are far removed from it.
For a while, I couldnt see the The Verde Wilderness. I would drive down the highway unaware if my surroundings and unable to travel thru the desert in my mind as I usually do. Then, one day seven or eight weeks ago I started to be ok again. This is a testimony to the power of God. In my terrible pain, I sought Him out as my only solution. This is something that I have only ever given lip service to. Seeking Him was only ok for me when times were good, and upon taking my inventory, I never really did that either. I was unable to allow myself to ask Him to save me from the hell of this world when I was in the middle of it. I pray that I do not lose touch with what I have learned in the experience, and I have stopped wondering if this has happened as a way of teaching me something I could not have learned any other way. Clearly it is. Please Father, take care of us all.
Kevin
Wednesday, April 11, 2007
Anger Hangovers
All of my life I have been driven on by anger. It is what has fueld me, given me the energy to keep on keeping on thru lifes challenges. This is not a good thing, but I cannot change that past.
When my Mother died, a maturation process that was already well underway was excellerated within me. Slowly thru the years of work and introspection, I have become less dependant on anger to fuel me, and more more accepting of how I am really feeling to direct my emotions. Being the type of person that indulged in anger to avoid everything I felt in life, be it saddnes or dissapointment etc, the people around me were of course subject to my shortcomings and wrongdoings behind this way of living. It isnt easy leting go of the old way of dealing with things in life. At times, when that heat rises up inside, its like I will come undone unless I sucomb to its power. All the forces of ego and misunderstanding are sometimes to overwhelming to thwart, I fail to ask God for help, and the anger blasts out, then its too late, people are hurt again.
This is a description of years gone by. I have by no means become pure as the drivien snow, but it is undeniable that I have experienced a huge shift and have demonstrated it with far more than mere words, more importantly, its been tangible in my life, visible to the naked eye.
The Verde Wilderness has played a huge part in this recovery. I am grateful to God for having delivered me here to this place, yet this isnt enuf to make the demonstration. One cannot sit on the mountain alone to show that there has been a change, it is only revealed when the demonstration has been witnessed by those around. I believe that The Verde Wilderness has simply provided a missing component, nothing more. It isnt a magic bullet, but it is a unique balancing influence that I have never had to draw upon anywhere else.
All of these words have led up to saying why I am really writing this. Someone very dear to me has recently told me of a hangover they have. The terrible things that I have said and done in the past have resurfaced in in their heart. I have been naive and foolish to have believed that because things have changed over the years, people were healed. Looking back after talking with them, I can clearly see that I took the cowradly road and never addressed specific incidents of my wrongs. I failed to repair the damage for individual attacks, relying rather on the thought that because they were behind me, that was ammends enuf. This may have been sufficient for me, but is hasnt worked for those that I have harmed in the past, and now its here in front of me. I have no defense. I regret it and am ashamed that I was so foolish. I end this writing by saying that right now, I just dont have any solutions, I do not know what to do to make it ok again. It may not even be my job to do anything, only time will tell.
Kevin
When my Mother died, a maturation process that was already well underway was excellerated within me. Slowly thru the years of work and introspection, I have become less dependant on anger to fuel me, and more more accepting of how I am really feeling to direct my emotions. Being the type of person that indulged in anger to avoid everything I felt in life, be it saddnes or dissapointment etc, the people around me were of course subject to my shortcomings and wrongdoings behind this way of living. It isnt easy leting go of the old way of dealing with things in life. At times, when that heat rises up inside, its like I will come undone unless I sucomb to its power. All the forces of ego and misunderstanding are sometimes to overwhelming to thwart, I fail to ask God for help, and the anger blasts out, then its too late, people are hurt again.
This is a description of years gone by. I have by no means become pure as the drivien snow, but it is undeniable that I have experienced a huge shift and have demonstrated it with far more than mere words, more importantly, its been tangible in my life, visible to the naked eye.
The Verde Wilderness has played a huge part in this recovery. I am grateful to God for having delivered me here to this place, yet this isnt enuf to make the demonstration. One cannot sit on the mountain alone to show that there has been a change, it is only revealed when the demonstration has been witnessed by those around. I believe that The Verde Wilderness has simply provided a missing component, nothing more. It isnt a magic bullet, but it is a unique balancing influence that I have never had to draw upon anywhere else.
All of these words have led up to saying why I am really writing this. Someone very dear to me has recently told me of a hangover they have. The terrible things that I have said and done in the past have resurfaced in in their heart. I have been naive and foolish to have believed that because things have changed over the years, people were healed. Looking back after talking with them, I can clearly see that I took the cowradly road and never addressed specific incidents of my wrongs. I failed to repair the damage for individual attacks, relying rather on the thought that because they were behind me, that was ammends enuf. This may have been sufficient for me, but is hasnt worked for those that I have harmed in the past, and now its here in front of me. I have no defense. I regret it and am ashamed that I was so foolish. I end this writing by saying that right now, I just dont have any solutions, I do not know what to do to make it ok again. It may not even be my job to do anything, only time will tell.
Kevin
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