Anger Hangovers

All of my life I have been driven on by anger. It is what has fueld me, given me the energy to keep on keeping on thru lifes challenges. This is not a good thing, but I cannot change that past.

When my Mother died, a maturation process that was already well underway was excellerated within me. Slowly thru the years of work and introspection, I have become less dependant on anger to fuel me, and more more accepting of how I am really feeling to direct my emotions. Being the type of person that indulged in anger to avoid everything I felt in life, be it saddnes or dissapointment etc, the people around me were of course subject to my shortcomings and wrongdoings behind this way of living. It isnt easy leting go of the old way of dealing with things in life. At times, when that heat rises up inside, its like I will come undone unless I sucomb to its power. All the forces of ego and misunderstanding are sometimes to overwhelming to thwart, I fail to ask God for help, and the anger blasts out, then its too late, people are hurt again.

This is a description of years gone by. I have by no means become pure as the drivien snow, but it is undeniable that I have experienced a huge shift and have demonstrated it with far more than mere words, more importantly, its been tangible in my life, visible to the naked eye.

The Verde Wilderness has played a huge part in this recovery. I am grateful to God for having delivered me here to this place, yet this isnt enuf to make the demonstration. One cannot sit on the mountain alone to show that there has been a change, it is only revealed when the demonstration has been witnessed by those around. I believe that The Verde Wilderness has simply provided a missing component, nothing more. It isnt a magic bullet, but it is a unique balancing influence that I have never had to draw upon anywhere else.

All of these words have led up to saying why I am really writing this. Someone very dear to me has recently told me of a hangover they have. The terrible things that I have said and done in the past have resurfaced in in their heart. I have been naive and foolish to have believed that because things have changed over the years, people were healed. Looking back after talking with them, I can clearly see that I took the cowradly road and never addressed specific incidents of my wrongs. I failed to repair the damage for individual attacks, relying rather on the thought that because they were behind me, that was ammends enuf. This may have been sufficient for me, but is hasnt worked for those that I have harmed in the past, and now its here in front of me. I have no defense. I regret it and am ashamed that I was so foolish. I end this writing by saying that right now, I just dont have any solutions, I do not know what to do to make it ok again. It may not even be my job to do anything, only time will tell.

Kevin

A Creeky Walk

My day has already taken a direction that I didnt plan on, so I decide to gear up and ride to the creek near the end of the road. I come down the hill and I am riding a few hundred yards upstream to "hide" my equipment, tho I suspect it will be just fine.

I am feeling a little guilty as I have promised myself that I wont explore anything new without first making sure that my wife dosent want to go. After the better part of our marrige spent ill, it is the joy of my life that I can now include her in where I go since her healing. We have plans to explore something tomorrow, so I want to at least scout out the first part of this creek to ensure that its makable.

I am reflecting now about the way it makes me feel to live within minutes of this very place. It is such a wonderous place, filled with so much that a ten square foot section sets the imagination ablazeThe creek is running nicely, and I come upon a fork. The little voice tells me to take the right, so I do. Up a short distance, I spy the water coming out of the side of the creek wall, and beyond that its dry!

I am still walking, at least a mile or moere already, in this now dry creek, and I am betting myself that it will start running again soon ahead of me. I am deciding that I have seen enuf, that to see whatever else is ahead I would rather do another time with my wife in my company.

I must say, there isnt anything extraordinary about my walk in this extraordinary place. A strange experience to be taking for granted that I can do this almost any afternoon I am home. I sit down, as I often do in these places, and listen to nothing at all. Happy that I enjoy my own company.

Kevin